I reached for “I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki” by Baek Sehee for two main reasons: 1) I hoped to get a better insight into the way a standard therapy is conducted in South Korea, 2) I was interested to see how therapist’s culture influences the approach. The book, structured in the form of twelve conversations is a record of three months out of ten years of the author’s therapy, plus some loose chapters about her problems and thoughts. Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her – what to call it? – depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgemental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal.

I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki: A Memoir: Baek

To learn about and imagine the emotions that I don’t understand or immediately empathise with: that is the affection I extend to others, and the only way to ensure that what’s inside of us doesn’t dry up or rot…’ Hanya ada satu 'aku' di dunia. Dengan begitu aku adalah sesuatu yang amat spesial. Diriku adalah sesuatu yang harus kujaga selamanya. Diriku adalah sesuatu yang harus kubantu secara perlahan, kutuntun selangkah demi selangkah dengan penuh kasih sayang dan kehangatan. Diriku adalah sesuatu yang butuh istirahat sesaat sambil menarik napas panjang atau terkadang butuh cambukan agar bisa bergerak ke depan. Aku percaya aku akan menjadi semakin bahagia jika aku semakin sering melihat ke dalam diriku sendiri.” (h. 111)It's not a book for me, but I love this journey for you, Baek Se-hee (as I failingly attempt to flip my hair like Alexis from Schitt’s Creek). Quit your job to turn your emotional shit into gold? I 'stan'. At least she seems very genuine about it all. I'm just not the right reader for the book, which is a shame, but I can imagine someone else actually loving it a whole lot more than I did. I was expecting some dark beast of a book. This is a bit mild for me, but that doesn’t mean the writing doesn’t matter. It does very much; it just doesn’t resonate with me. I’m just not the right reader for this, unfortunately. And unfortunately, I vibe with Sarah Kane’s 4.48 Psychosis more, which really, just tells you more about me than Baek's book. Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her - what to call it? - depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgemental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends; adept at performing the calmness, even ease, her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a desire for her favourite street food, the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like? Generally this book was pretty repetitive. Little progress was made and Baek needed lots of reassurance she was doing okay. It wasn’t gripping or exciting, but also, that’s what therapy is like.

I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki: A Memoir I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki: A Memoir

And to conclude, this Freudian bale of hay ultimately validated my feelings (of not being the right reader for the book). And to reiterate my point above, I truly hope this book can bring someone else comfort even though it did nothing for me. Why did I continue reading this even though I already knew halfway through that this wasn't for me? Well, to put it simply, I think Anton Hur is super cool, and I will read everything he translates/writes. Don't get me wrong, the experience wasn't awful at all, it just wasn't 'rewarding'/'fulfilling'. I don't read a lot of self-help books–I can't remember any apart from Loveability by Robert Holden, but I didn't even finish reading the book completely–so I was quite unsure what to expect from reading this. I had wanted to love this book, and that is exactly how it ended to be—and perhaps I love it more than I had hoped.I always find it quite difficult to rate non-fiction, especially when it’s a very honest and vulnerable story, so I shall leave my thoughts here instead :)