The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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Without a moment’s hesitation, the Scotsman sacrifices himself, shouting “For Scotland!” as he jumps out of the plane. The Welshman follows suit, shouting “For Wales!” as he jumps. My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.” – Jimmy Carr (Photo: BBC) Two minutes later, she is getting dressed again. The man asks her “will you take me to jail, officer?”

I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle (Photo: BBC) Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes. Bob Monkhouse–“I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.” A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" Why did the fisherman disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the thrill of the catch!

Man extradited from Northern Ireland over charges including human trafficking

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies forever. You know what they say about old habits. Why did the DJ disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the magic of vinyl protection!

What don't you want to hear after performing o**... s**... on w**... Nelson? I'm not w**... Nelson. The perfect one-liner is a holy grail for comedians – their chance for immortality. Nobody will memorise your lovingly crafted half hour routine fifty years from now, but we are still quoting those perfect lines from Tommy Cooper, Dorothy Parker or Groucho Marx. Though of course, Groucho – one of the all-time masters of this art-form – would refuse to join any one-liner club that’d have him as a member…

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Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts. Why did the construction worker ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in hard hat protection! The pope retorts, “Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?” Why did the pianist disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of musical notes! What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present? Thanks—I'll never part with it.