The PDA Paradox: The Highs and Lows of My Life on a Little-Known Part of the Autism Spectrum

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Just stopping everything and going with the flow of what your brain decides it wants to do can be powerful to reduce anxiety. It puts you right in the driving seat, which gives us PDAers all that lovely control that we thrive on. I feel it’s almost a vicious circle; we want to do an activity, can’t, get frustrated, which causes anxiety, then that leads to a spike in needing control and inability to do activities. The sense of belonging is one that every human in this scary world yearns for so find those that you belong with. They’re out there, I guarantee it. I don’t know about you, but I have very poor impulse control which has led to me painfully regretting some of my impulsive decisions. If you have someone you trust who is sensible and has your best interests at heart, just run your more extreme impulses by them before jumping in head first.

Reduce the pressure and, therefore, the demand to attend. If your friends know you and accept you for who you are, they will be fine with this.

Also avoiding doing groceries to the point of bare cupboards, and mounting stress and terror over having to do it, but still feeling like I physically cant, even though my rational mind is begging me to go, that I have to do it – its not just about wanting to delay or avoid the awful sensory/bodily experience of leaving my house. Its still rational – as an autistic person, I shouldnt have to operate in the world like this, simple and necessary things shouldnt be like this – its wrong.

I have a very dear friend who has ‘Jo cards’ that she uses when I am either going too far or if one of my impulsive ideas is totally nuts and something that I will later regret. Yes, these cards can be seen as a demand, but I have total control over whether I listen to her or not. It gives you time to think of a way to reject the demand in a less abrupt manner, and it will remove the pressure of having to do it in person. I listened so intently that I listened to the whole audiobook in two sessions; only stopping the first day (yesterday) when I could no longer ignore my earth suit’s nagging incessancy for basic needs. However, we respect that many people identify with this profile and have formed a rich community and body of resources to help others overcome demand avoidance. We will continue to update the community and our readers on our position and as new research and insights become available. As a fellow Aspie with PDA, I relate so very well with many of Harry’s prospectives, which had me nodding in agreement and spontaneously laughing as I took in every word.

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Harry J. Thompson was born in Edgware and grew up in Barnet in north London. He is currently based in London, UK. An avid reader & researcher, Harry speaks publicly and is heavily involved in projects & research on all topics around neurodiversity and autism; namely, Pathological Demand Avoidance, a behavior profile within the Autism Spectrum.

But these things are awful for PDAers. By trying to enforce these things, all it does is cause them a great deal of anxiety, often leading to them lashing out or being in a great deal of distress. It also leads to a great deal of stress for you and the potential of being hurt when they do lash out. It really feels like a big disrespect to people who identify with PDA that people call it rational because they do not experience it as rational and want to be understood. Much like with OCD, it can become a self-sabotaging act that really interferes with quality of life (which fits the definition of pathological). I also realized that I haven’t been watching your videos enough lately since I was completely surprised; I had no idea that you had been working on this great book….. Been on an extended rabbit trail for a while now, so yeah, lol…..Regarding PDA children and teenagers: I know the bedtime battles that you have with them as they see an enforced bedtime as a HUGE demand. Sorry for the very long post, but every post I read is giving me hope after a very difficult and traumatising three years. And it calms my fears about my son just having violent tendencies. As well as confirms my feeling that he isn't a “naughty child” but rather he struggles.